What is proper etiquette at a wake?
A wake is less formal than the funeral, and most of what worries people is solved by turning up. Arrive when you said you would, speak to the family early rather than waiting for the right moment, stay about an hour, and leave quietly when it feels right.
Families remember who came. They rarely remember what anyone said, which is the part most people are turning over on the way in. If you did not know the person well, say how you knew them and let the family talk.
One thing worth knowing before you set off, if the wake is at our function room in central Bournemouth. There are three small steps up from the bar to the room, and the bar itself is level. If you are bringing someone who would rather not manage stairs after a long morning, that is the bit to plan for.
What not to say at a wake?
Avoid anything that puts a frame around the death. "At least she had a good innings", "everything happens for a reason", "I know exactly how you feel". They are meant kindly and they land badly. "I'm so sorry", and then a memory of the person, is enough. If you have nothing to say, standing there is its own message.
What not to do at a wake?
Do not ask how they died. Do not take photographs unless the family has asked for them. Do not drink like it is a party, even where the family has put money behind the bar. And do not leave without speaking to whoever was closest to the person who died. Arriving late is forgiven within the hour. Slipping out without saying anything is the one people notice.
Do wakes have a dress code?
Rarely a formal one. What people wear to a wake is usually what they wore to the funeral, because they come straight on from it, and smart and plain is right almost everywhere. Where a family wants something different they say so, normally on the order of service or through whoever passed on the details. Nobody is turned away at the door for getting it wrong.
What colour to wear when attending a wake?
Black or dark colours, unless the family has asked for something brighter. Celebrations of life often do ask, and families who ask for colour mean it, so follow the request if it is there. If nobody has said anything, wear what you wore to the funeral. Bright is not disrespectful when it was asked for, and it is not expected when it was not.
Is it rude not to go to the wake after a funeral?
No. Plenty of people go to the funeral and not the wake, and the other way round is fine too if the service was private or you could not get there in time. The wake is an open invitation rather than a summons, and families expect the numbers to fall between the service and the venue. If you would rather go and leave after twenty minutes, that is also fine. Turning up at all is the part the family will remember.
If you are arranging one and want to talk it through, call 01202 144484.
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